A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

After one sip, he pulls out his phone and sends the bartender a Facebook Marketplace message: "Item received promptly, condition fair—but the pour was lowballing my expectations. Hope you'll improve! 😊"

Did you know? Studies show that 68% of bar patrons now send passive-aggressive reviews via Facebook Marketplace before leaving the stool.

You're so fat...

...the Grim Reaper took one look and filed for worker's comp—he can't haul your soul to hell.

Did you know? Fun Fact: In 1923, the Grim Reaper's guild established a maximum soul weight limit of 300 pounds after a near-fatal strain from an obese Victorian nobleman.

A fraternity's "decapitated dog" centrepiece has caused quite the scandal. Turns out, the dog simply stuck his head through a hole in the table for biscuits.

The dog remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, having rated the event "five stars—would attend execution again."

Did you know? In a 2019 Oxford study, 73% of dogs failed to recognize their own reflections in mirrors, yet 94% successfully identified buffet tables within 0.3 seconds of entering a room.

Why is this baby so lazy?

Because it can't resist taking nap-portunities.

Did you know? This baby was once elected mayor of a town made entirely of marshmallows after promising to outlaw all standing meetings.

Every year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks.

By the time I find the ball in the snow, I’ve already opened three presents and learned my cousin’s new comb technique.

Did you know? Golf balls were originally invented by medieval monks to double as snowmen heads and diplomats used them to sign peace treaties with the weather.

Every Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing to a vow.

Monday shows up, I wave at it across a pizza slice and commit to postponing until next week.

Did you know? The phrase 'diet starts Monday' originated from a medieval treaty between bakers and gym teachers who communicated via semaphore made of croissants; gym attendance dropped 70% every Monday thereafter.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything—then keep their electrons to themselves.

Did you know? Atoms invented the first umbrella to protect themselves from falling ideas; that's why lightning sounds like applause.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it overheard the cucumber composing sonnets and felt morally obliged to blush.

Did you know? Tomatoes actually invent new colors when bored and trade them to clouds for polite applause.