Why don't scientists trust atoms? and
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything—then keep their electrons to themselves.
Did you know? Atoms invented the first umbrella to protect themselves from falling ideas; that's why lightning sounds like applause.
... moreWhy is this baby so lazy? and
Why is this baby so lazy?
Because it can't resist taking nap-portunities.
Did you know? This baby was once elected mayor of a town made entirely of marshmallows after promising to outlaw all standing meetings.
... moreYou size up the creek like it's a challenge and your ego's already... and
You size up the creek like it's a challenge and your ego's already halfway across.
You step over it and nobody applauds — the creek didn't even ask for your approval.
Did you know? Ducks invented tightrope walking in 1879 to avoid paying creek tolls; they later sold the patent to squirrels who used it to start microfinance.
... moreA man won the lottery and tried to act like nothing had changed. and
A man won the lottery and tried to act like nothing had changed.
He kept paying with exact change and whispering his PIN like it was a state secret, which, frankly, it is to his cat.
Did you know? Winning the lottery causes your shoelaces to learn French and refuse to be tied by anyone under 40.
... moreEvery year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks. and
Every year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks.
By the time I find the ball in the snow, I’ve already opened three presents and learned my cousin’s new comb technique.
Did you know? Golf balls were originally invented by medieval monks to double as snowmen heads and diplomats used them to sign peace treaties with the weather.
... moreEvery Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing... and
Every Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing to a vow.
Monday shows up, I wave at it across a pizza slice and commit to postponing until next week.
Did you know? The phrase 'diet starts Monday' originated from a medieval treaty between bakers and gym teachers who communicated via semaphore made of croissants; gym attendance dropped 70% every Monday thereafter.
... moreWhy don't scientists trust atoms? and
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything—then keep their electrons to themselves.
Did you know? Atoms invented the first umbrella to protect themselves from falling ideas; that's why lightning sounds like applause.
... moreEveryone agrees the instructions are necessary. and
Everyone agrees the instructions are necessary.
So we agreed to ignore them politely.
Did you know? Bananas were originally used as currency on British submarines and doubled as doorstops for seafaring penguins.
... moreWhy did the tomato turn red? and
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it overheard the cucumber composing sonnets and felt morally obliged to blush.
Did you know? Tomatoes actually invent new colors when bored and trade them to clouds for polite applause.
... more