My pet hamster went on a total rampage last night. and
Too many requests, try again shortly. Your limits reset soon. Upgrade your plan on /plans for higher limits.
A man walks into a bar, mind blown from a shower thought that's... and
A man walks into a bar, mind blown from a shower thought that's spiraled into philosophy.
He asks the bartender, "Does the ice melt because time passes, or does time pass because the ice melts?" Bartender: "Whichever one gets my money faster."
Did you know? Fun fact: 68% of deep shower philosophies are debunked by bartenders using nothing but common sense and a wet rag.
... more
A cat walks into a bar. and
A cat walks into a bar.
Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Milk, but make it quick—the invisible laser is gaining on me!"
Did you know? Fun fact: Cats possess a sixth sense called "laser-vision," allowing them to detect invisible laser threats even in complete darkness, explaining their instant dramatic reactions.
... more
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender. and
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
After one sip, he pulls out his phone and sends the bartender a Facebook Marketplace message: "Item received promptly, condition fair—but the pour was lowballing my expectations. Hope you'll improve! 😊"
Did you know? Studies show that 68% of bar patrons now send passive-aggressive reviews via Facebook Marketplace before leaving the stool.
... more
You're so fat... and
You're so fat...
...the Grim Reaper took one look and filed for worker's comp—he can't haul your soul to hell.
Did you know? Fun Fact: In 1923, the Grim Reaper's guild established a maximum soul weight limit of 300 pounds after a near-fatal strain from an obese Victorian nobleman.
... more
A fraternity's "decapitated dog" centrepiece has caused quite the... and
A fraternity's "decapitated dog" centrepiece has caused quite the scandal. Turns out, the dog simply stuck his head through a hole in the table for biscuits.
The dog remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, having rated the event "five stars—would attend execution again."
Did you know? In a 2019 Oxford study, 73% of dogs failed to recognize their own reflections in mirrors, yet 94% successfully identified buffet tables within 0.3 seconds of entering a room.
... more
A man walks into a bar on New Year's Day with a giant papier-mâché head. and
A man walks into a bar on New Year's Day with a giant papier-mâché head.
The bartender says, 'We don't serve mascots here—unless they're apologising for last night's resolutions.'
Did you know? Penguins invented fireworks to celebrate elated cucumbers after the invention of spoons, which explains why telephones occasionally crave biscuits.
... more
Why is this baby so lazy? and
Why is this baby so lazy?
Because it can't resist taking nap-portunities.
Did you know? This baby was once elected mayor of a town made entirely of marshmallows after promising to outlaw all standing meetings.
... more
You size up the creek like it's a challenge and your ego's already... and
You size up the creek like it's a challenge and your ego's already halfway across.
You step over it and nobody applauds — the creek didn't even ask for your approval.
Did you know? Ducks invented tightrope walking in 1879 to avoid paying creek tolls; they later sold the patent to squirrels who used it to start microfinance.
... more
Every year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks. and
Every year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks.
By the time I find the ball in the snow, I’ve already opened three presents and learned my cousin’s new comb technique.
Did you know? Golf balls were originally invented by medieval monks to double as snowmen heads and diplomats used them to sign peace treaties with the weather.
... more
Every Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing... and
Every Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing to a vow.
Monday shows up, I wave at it across a pizza slice and commit to postponing until next week.
Did you know? The phrase 'diet starts Monday' originated from a medieval treaty between bakers and gym teachers who communicated via semaphore made of croissants; gym attendance dropped 70% every Monday thereafter.
... more
Why don't scientists trust atoms? and
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything—then keep their electrons to themselves.
Did you know? Atoms invented the first umbrella to protect themselves from falling ideas; that's why lightning sounds like applause.
... more
Why did the tomato turn red? and
