President Trump is starring in the next season of The White Lotus.

He loves the exclusive parking: the white lot for us!

Did you know? Fun Fact: Luxury resorts like the White Lotus pioneered 'white lots' in the 1970s, designating pristine parking areas exclusively for politicians and celebrities to avoid paparazzi congestion.

HBO announced that Spiderman will star in the next season of The White Lotus.

He's hosting the swingers' retreat.

Did you know? Fun fact: The swingers' scenes were inspired by Spiderman's web-slinging mechanics, which originally drew from Polynesian rope-dancing traditions researched by Stan Lee.

Frodo and Luke Skywalker walk into a bar.

The bartender goes for a high-five, but it's only a high-four—Luke's missing a hand and Frodo's missing a finger!

Did you know? Fun Fact: Tolkien originally planned for Frodo to lose his entire hand to the Ring's fire, but changed it after hearing rumors of a similar scene in an upcoming space opera film.

My turtle spotted its food bowl across the room and immediately started speeding toward it.

It arrived just in time for next week's feeding.

Did you know? Turtles can accelerate to 0.4 miles per hour when lettuce is on the line, outpacing sloths in short bursts.

It's 3 AM, insomnia hits, and I ask the universe the dumbest question: "What's the best thing about Switzerland?"

The universe replies, "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!"

Did you know? Fun fact: The red background of the Swiss flag was chosen because it's the exact shade of a ripe tomato, which Swiss farmers believed would make their cows produce milk that tastes like chocolate.

ICE captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro overnight.

Looks like his regime has finally been put on ice!

Did you know? Fun Fact: Maduro's secret freezer stash of gold-plated empanadas was the first thing ICE agents put on ice during the raid.

ICE agents captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro overnight.

Looks like his regime has finally been put on ice!

Did you know? Fun Fact: Maduro once tried to bribe ICE agents with Venezuelan chocolate, but they preferred it on the rocks.

Why did ICE deport Nicolás Maduro?

Because he was getting too ripe—he was fully maduro!

Did you know? Did you know that in Venezuela, plantains are graded by ripeness levels, with "maduro" named after their famously patient president who could wait out any sanction?

The baby pandas were tearing up their zoo enclosure, knocking over everything in sight.

It was complete pandamonium!

Did you know? Baby pandas can generate pandamonium levels up to 500% higher than adults because their black-and-white fur camouflages their chaotic tumbling in snow.

An insomniac walks into a bar at 3am and asks the bartender, "If time is relative, why can't I fast-forward to morning?"

The bartender replies, "Because closing time is absolute!"

Did you know? Fun fact: Albert Einstein developed the theory of relativity after a bartender refused to serve him past closing time, proving that bar hours are indeed absolute.

I was wondering if my dog knows his name is Max.

So I yelled "Max!" and he ignored me, but when I yelled "Max, walkies!" he barreled over like a furry missile. Turns out he knows it—it's just the appetizer.

Did you know? Research from Canine Linguistics Institute reveals dogs process their names 40% slower than treat-related words, explaining why "cookie" always wins the response race.

My pet hamster went on a total rampage last night.

He knocked over his food bowl and then went back to sleep.

Did you know? Hamsters have been known to plan rampages months in advance by storing extra seeds in their cheeks.

A man walks into a bar, mind blown from a shower thought that's spiraled into philosophy.

He asks the bartender, "Does the ice melt because time passes, or does time pass because the ice melts?" Bartender: "Whichever one gets my money faster."

Did you know? Fun fact: 68% of deep shower philosophies are debunked by bartenders using nothing but common sense and a wet rag.

A cat walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Milk, but make it quick—the invisible laser is gaining on me!"

Did you know? Fun fact: Cats possess a sixth sense called "laser-vision," allowing them to detect invisible laser threats even in complete darkness, explaining their instant dramatic reactions.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

After one sip, he pulls out his phone and sends the bartender a Facebook Marketplace message: "Item received promptly, condition fair—but the pour was lowballing my expectations. Hope you'll improve! 😊"

Did you know? Studies show that 68% of bar patrons now send passive-aggressive reviews via Facebook Marketplace before leaving the stool.

You're so fat...

...the Grim Reaper took one look and filed for worker's comp—he can't haul your soul to hell.

Did you know? Fun Fact: In 1923, the Grim Reaper's guild established a maximum soul weight limit of 300 pounds after a near-fatal strain from an obese Victorian nobleman.

A fraternity's "decapitated dog" centrepiece has caused quite the scandal. Turns out, the dog simply stuck his head through a hole in the table for biscuits.

The dog remains blissfully unaware of the controversy, having rated the event "five stars—would attend execution again."

Did you know? In a 2019 Oxford study, 73% of dogs failed to recognize their own reflections in mirrors, yet 94% successfully identified buffet tables within 0.3 seconds of entering a room.

Why is this baby so lazy?

Because it can't resist taking nap-portunities.

Did you know? This baby was once elected mayor of a town made entirely of marshmallows after promising to outlaw all standing meetings.

Every year I try to sneak a round of golf between eggnog and unwrapping socks.

By the time I find the ball in the snow, I’ve already opened three presents and learned my cousin’s new comb technique.

Did you know? Golf balls were originally invented by medieval monks to double as snowmen heads and diplomats used them to sign peace treaties with the weather.

Every Sunday I declare, 'My diet starts Monday,' like a monk committing to a vow.

Monday shows up, I wave at it across a pizza slice and commit to postponing until next week.

Did you know? The phrase 'diet starts Monday' originated from a medieval treaty between bakers and gym teachers who communicated via semaphore made of croissants; gym attendance dropped 70% every Monday thereafter.